Trying Sobriety

My first day sober started this past Saturday. (To be honest, I’ve stopped drinking several times before, but obviously start back up again.)

I ran out of vodka Saturday morning and, for the first time in ages, I didn’t want to trek out to the liquor store to replenish my giant bottle.

You don’t know my story (yet), but I was drinking 2 giant bottles of vodka every week - wanting every minute to be forgettable. Turns out, when a brain is pickled like that, it forgets things very easily.

Anyway...

Last Wednesday I “rescued” a ferile, pregnant neighborhood cat. We had been getting along outside for a couple of weeks. She was following me and letting me pick her up and carry her. I thought she was getting close to her time and looking for somewhere or someone that was safe, so I brought her in.

She wasn’t adjusting well: howling all night and all that. But she was getting along with my home cats so I thought she might settle in.

Meanwhile, I wasn't getting any sleep at night on account of her screaming and yelling. I would let her outside then she’d come back early the next morning wanting to be let in. It got to the point where I knew she just needed to stay outside.

Saturday morning, at about 5am, I let her go. I was exhausted and sick from lack of sleep. Basically feeling defeated. (My doggie had to be euthanized about 6 weeks ago and I was/am still reeling from that - different story for a different time.)

When she was gone and it was finally peaceful, I drank my last 4 shots and managed to get a few hours sleep. I spent the rest of Saturday in a fog, but never once did I want to have a drink.

She howled outside for me only 3 times wanting to come back in, then she went away - back to the congregation of cats that live in the chasms under the buildings.

I wanted to make things work with her, but for the first time in a long time I was able to admit defeat.

Trust me, that’s not something I do easily.

So, here I am, sober for not-even-2-full-days, hoping that posting here in a public place will help me hold myself accountable for my drinking.